The new captain Alastair Cook made 158 not out and Kevin Pietersen returned to form with 99 as England reached 374 for three after being put into bat
Preamble Morning. Hello. Wilkommen. As-Salamu Alalykum. Wotcha. Some things in life should never, ever be sniffed at, whatever the circumstances: a new Coen Brothers film, maintaining eye contact for more than a split-second, and England winning a Test series on the subcontinent. With the exception of the reign of Duncan Fletcher – whose worthiest achievement, surely, was not to win the 2005 Ashes but to make England competitive in Asia – England last won a Test match on the subcontinent in 25 years ago, when they also won their last series, coming from behind to beat Mohammad Azharuddin and Laxman Sivaramakrishnan. Serpentine ah... Serpentine grrr... British people in hot weather.
They should beat Bangladesh 2-0 in this two-Test series, but there are bound to be some hairy moments against the home side's phalanx of spinners. Even on their last tour here, in 2003-04, England got in a bit of a pickle for the first four days of the first Test before eventually winning comfortably.
Team news Stuart Broad has passed a fitness Test, while Steven Finn and Michael Carberry make their debuts; James Tredwell, a little surprisingly, does not. I'm pretty excited about Finn, only 20 years old, and not only because he shares a surname with cinema's greatest 21st-century femme fatale. He is tall (6ft 7ins) and he gets bounce, and you know what tall men who get bounce do to us English cricket fans. They make us hail them as the new Curtly Ambrose, that's what. Finn has leapfrogged Shahzad and Plunkett, who were in the original squad, continuing the proud English tradition of completely ignoring the hierarchy of the original tour party, which goes all the way back to one of the first English tours I remember, the 1990-91 Ashes.
Bangladesh Tamim Iqbal, Imrul Kayes, Junaid Siddique, Aftab Ahmed, Mahmudullah, Shakib Al Hasan (c), Mushfiqur Rahim (wk), Naeem Islam, Abdur Razzak, Rubel Hossain, Shadahat Hossain.
England Cook (c), Carberry, Trott, Pietersen, Collingwood, Bell, Prior (wk), Broad, Bresnan, Swann, Finn.
Bangladesh have won the toss and will bowl first Shakib Al Hasan reckons there might be some bounce and life in the pitch today before it becomes a complete road. That's a real surprise because I thought Bangladesh's plan would have involved catching England out against spin in the fourth innings. Alastair Cook, England's 79th Test captain, says he would have batted first. Rob Key, in the Sky studio, calls the decision to bowl first "ridiculous".
Anyone out there? Yeah, yeah, it's 3am, but that's a good excuse to listen to the KLF while watching the cricket, if nothing else.
Pre-match emails
"Can I be the first to say I hope England's new Curtly Ambrose Finn-ishes the England innings in style/ Finn-ishes with a 5 for on his debut, etc?" - Liam Drew.
"Fully expect to witness a lovely Cook 23*/89 ; Trott 35*/81 by lunch" - Jonny Sultoon.
"Just got up. At 3am. Because there's a Test match featuring England. So I can listen to it on the radio. This level of devotion has me singing Chas N Dave's 'Snooker Loopy' to myself, generalising the spirit of the thing into an anthem of sports geekery. Apart from Candido's 'Soul Limbo', actually one of the Latin disco percussionist's tamer efforts, and that 'One day cricket, one day cricket/ Catch the action of the one day cricket' jingle Sky Sports used back in the day, I am struggling to remember shoutalong paeans to cricketing glory. Any ideas?" - Scott W.
"Teehee! Rob will be here from 3am. Ah, the special brand of humour that is the OBO. Take, for example, the phrase 'Rob will be here from 3am...." - Marie Meyer.
A few links while Rob Key does some talking in the Sky studio. God he's compelling
1. This is cute.
2. You can get some very good MPfree action here.
3. Here's the first, the last, the only work of fiction to mention the OBO.
4. You can do nice things for charity both here and here.
5. And if you really, really, really, really insist, you can buy my book here.
OBO competition So, last week, we asked you to name Kat Petersen's lobster. It was, incontrovertibly, F.U.N. "The lobster has been named Ian Bell," she says. "I'm going to try very hard to get a photo of The Real Ian Bell holding said lobster. It's good to have aims in life."
Is it? Is it really? A person with no aims is never disappointed, after all. Anyway, the winner is Chris Langmead; Chris, email your address and I'll send a copy of the book when it's published.
1st over: England 2-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 0) The lively, spiky Shahadat Hossain, who left Rahul Dravid's phizog in a mess recently, will open the bowling to Alastair Cook, who gets off the mark by tucking some leg-stump dross off his pads. Shahadat has a bit of a Sharapovaesque grunt as he releases the ball. That won't become really, really annoying at 4am. Early impressions are that the pitch has no pace whatsoever. This could be a 244 for three kind of day. Proper. Test. Creekit. "Sat in work watching a storm blow in from the South over Wellington harbour, NZ, wishing I was back home and fast asleep," says Sam Lister. "Instead I am going to have to follow what I fear will be a miserable performance from England. Distance does not diminish a Pom's pessimism." What a sorry state we are.
2nd over: England 4-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 2) Rubel Hossain gets some inswing to the debutant Carberry, who defends comfortably and then gets his first Test run with a whip off the pads to fine leg for a couple. First overs in Test cricket don't come much more comfortable than that. "There is general consternation in the media box in Chittagong with the entire troupe of cricket writers walking around in disbelief at the omission of James Tredwell," says David Hopps, thumping the head of Cricinfo's Andrew Miller repeatedly with an open palm to demonstrate the point. "What a classically conservative, seam-orientated English selection. This surface is better prepared than the one a few yards away, where he took eight wickets in a warm-up, but even so if he cannot play here why is he on the tour? In retrospect, though, it does make our interview with Tredwell yesterday pretty amusing. Lots of 'C'mon, James, stop being so modest, it's obvious you're playing' sort of comments. It ain't obvious now." It's not like they don't have experience of working with only two seamers in Bangladesh, either. That's unless you count Rikki Clarke as a Test-class seamer. My point exactly. The real problem, surely, is picking six batsmen. England hinted at embracing squad rotation – which will be the norm in a few years, so you might as well get a jump on it – by omitting Anderson and Strauss, but undid their good work by settling for a tedious consistency when it comes to the balance of the side. We all know they are going to play six batsmen and a keeper in Australia, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't play five here. There isn't much cricket can take from football, but squad rotation is definitely something they should look at.
3rd over: England 4-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 2) Shahadat's first delivery bounces about as much as a piece of plasticine dropped from two feet. I haven't got a clue why Shakib bowled first on this pitch. It would have been a dubious decision at the best of times; to do so when you've picked 12 spinners beggars belief. Saying which, Shahadat has a huge shout for a catch down the leg side; there was definitely a deflection, but Rod Tucker said not out. After a few replays it's hard to be certain what that came off, but on balance I reckon it was only pad. Shahadat, who is a feisty character, ends the over by beating Cook with a bit of a grubber outside off. "Good to see Steve Finn taking his place in the international ranks alongside his fellow Hertfordshire League alumni Darren Sammy and, erm, Daan Van Bunge," says Jon Ryan. "I played against him three years ago and he absolutely terrorised me. I expect top order Test batsman will have a bit more about them than a No11 bunny, but I think we've unearthed one here." He's the new Curtly McGrath, nowt surer.
4th over: England 16-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 14) Carberry gets his first boundary, rocking back to drive Rubel Hossain through point for four classy runs. He helps himself to another next ball, cover-driving a half-volley with crisp confidence. Rubel responds with a snorter that lifts very nicely past Carberry's shoulder. You don't expect that sort of bounce. Carberry completes an interesting over with his third boundary, driven very pleasantly through mid-off. Excellent stuff. "During the Ashes in the summer I stated on this forum that if England won I would stop sitting around enjoying life and go and get a job," says Dean Butler. "They did and I did. Thus I find myself working nights in what used to be called an asylum. I think everyone will agree that there's a lesson in there somewhere."
5th over: England 16-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 14) Shahadat's grunt is the most unsettling thing I've seen or heard since Ben Bennett sent in this little post-Lynchian gem. It evokes Mike Atherton's description of Merv Hughes: "all bristle and bullshit". There are plenty of stares and suggestions of imminent doom for the batsman, but Cook is defending pretty comfortably. And his pace is only around 80mph. It's another maiden for Shahdat. "Re: fickle England selection policy," says Scott W. "Forget Tredwell, two players who should be playing and aren't even in the squad: Ravi Bopara and Adil Rashid. We can indulge James Anderson all we like, we have practically groomed Stuart Broad into his current squad role, but standing by two absurdly talented young players of Asian origin? Apparently, that's out of the question."
6th over: England 21-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 19) Four more to Carberry, squirted to third man off Rubel Hossain. He's getting 'em in boundaries for now. Lazy bugger doesn't want to run! Here's a good stat from Sky; the average scores in each innings of a Test on this ground: 369 in the first, 308 in the second, 223 in the third and 104 in the fourth. Shakib, you fear, has dropped a real Nasser here. "Surely this England team will provide a bonanza for team-name trivia specialists," says Kevin Stracey. "Five players with only one syllable and six with five letters or fewer in their surname?" I satisfy both criteria. Pick me! Pick me!
7th over: England 25-0 (Cook 2, Carberry 23) Carberry snicks the grunting Shahadat on the bounce to second slip, and the ball goes through him and away for four. It'll be a while before we know whether Carberry is Test-class, but one thing we do is that he will score his runs at a good lick, and England are crying out for such an opener. I still think they could do worse than have Cook at No3 with Strauss opening alongside a dasher. The bounce in this pitch is really erratic: the fourth delivery of that over completely died, but mercifully for Carberry it was miles outside off stump. Shahadat could really get on your nerves; outside the bedroom, I've never seen such zesty grunting for such little reward: he's only bowling around 80mph! "My Canadian housemate has just spent five minutes peering at the Indian stream we get here in Miami, and has decided that she could watch the whole day's play if the Bangladeshis – especially Shakib Al Hasan and Rubel Hossain – agree to play with their shirts off," says Nick Wiltsher. "Perhaps you could pass on the request." Ssssh, you'll give Lalit Modi ideas. Mind you, I'd like to have seen Brian Close topless. When he faced Wes Hall in 1963, I mean. Only when he faced Wes Hall.
8th over: England 26-0 (Cook 3, Carberry 23) So having bowled first, Shakib now brings on a spinner in the eighth over. Himself. Bob Willis is into the commentary box. I bloody love Bob Willis. He has a short leg and slip for Carberry, who comes confidently down the track to drive. It fizzes along the ground back to Shakib, who spins round and shapes to throw at the stumps. Good stuff. "Hullo Rob," says Eamonn Maloney. "Still smitten with the word 'phalanx', I see. Word fixations are in the finest tradition of Guardian sports writers, so you needn't be concerned by this minor fetish. However, if you become approximately the 1,641st OBO/MBMer to segue into someone's correspondence using the phrase 'apropos of nothing' today, I may have to blind myself."
9th over: England 27-0 (Cook 4, Carberry 23) A harmless over from Shahadat. Cook is doing what Cook does, boring the pants off us, batting in his bubble. He has four from 23 balls; Carberry has 23 from 31 balls. "Hmm," hmmms Jonny Sultoon. "Wouldn't agree at all with the charge by Scott W. Fair point, Owais got Shah-fted but MmmmBop was as flaky as they come. Deservedly dropped." England is full of big racists, I agree, but there aren't any in the England selection team. Bopara had to be dropped – if they were to pick a young batsman for this series, it should have been Morgan – and, while I'd like to have seen Rashid, they are obviously managing him so carefully because he's a leg spinner, and we all know what happened to the last two we produced, Ian Salisbury and Chris Schofield.
10th over: England 33-0 (Cook 10, Carberry 23) Shakib goes around the wicket to Cook, again with a slip and short leg. For those who don't know much about him, he is an extremely good cricketer who was The Wisden Cricket's Test player of the year for 2009. And at the very moment I typed those words, the hitherto strokeless Cook slog-swept him emphatically for six. He really nailed that. Shot! "I've just noticed Smyth that you also covered the Liverpool game earlier in the evening," says Dean Butler. "They're working you, oh yes working you. Excellent. An example to the dissolute youth of of our nation."
11th over: England 37-0 (Cook 10, Carberry 27) Short on leg stump from Shahadat, and Carberry flicks it disdainfully behind square for four with a flourish. Shahadat switches to around the wicket as a consequence. Nothing happens. "Quite right, Rob," says James de Mellow, referring to everything I've ever said but particularly one thing. "Bob Willis Is Right About Everything. One of life's great pleasures it when it rains during a Sky-covered meaningless Pro40 game and he'll rant and poor Charles Colville for hours on end. Once saw him at St. John's Wood tube station on the day of the 2005 C&G final - you don't want a man that tall ranting at you. Colville must have an iron constitution, the battering he's taken over the years."
12th over: England 41-0 (Cook 14, Carberry 27) The offspinner Naeem Islam replaces Shakib, who may just be switching ends. Cook goes for another mighty slog-sweep but misses it completely. He plays the stroke again later in the over, dragging it a little and getting two. Somebody might want to tell him that you are allowed to score in other areas as well. "Hello fellow night-shifter," says Cricinfo's Andrew McGlashan. "How much fun is this going to be? Don't answer that! Most interesting moment will be when KP walks in and Shakib does a Yuvraj. It'll be like playing India in the 80s and 90s. There will be six overs of pace then the rest from spin. That's always fun when doing ball-by-ball." This is my favourite example of that: Eknath Solkar (Test average: 59) and Sunil Gavaskar (Test average: 206) bowling three whole overs before they dispensed with the formalities.
13th over: England 53-0 (Cook 25, Carberry 28) It's Rubel Hossain who changes ends, in fact, and Carberry chases a wide one first ball. He missed it by a fair way, scraping his bat on the turf as the ball zipped past the edge. Cook pulls handsomely for four later in the over and then slaps another boundary through a hapless fielder at mid-off. England will be extremely happy with this start. "This Carberry looks alright," says Ben Grant. "Which South African province did you lot pinch him from?" Brendon Juli-who?
14th over: England 60-0 (Cook 27, Carberry 28) The groping Carberry is beaten by a jaffa from Naeem Islam that pitches on middle and spits past the edge and through the keeper Mushfiqur Rahim for four byes. That was a gorgeous delivery. "Lalit Modi could be dissuaded from topless T20 by a timely airing of those Jimmy Ormond photos," says Nick Wiltsher. Those? I thought there was only one. Is there something you want to tell me, Nick?
15th over: England 64-0 (Cook 28, Carberry 30) It's spin from botn ends, a real treat for an OBO at 4.32am, with the offspinner Mahmudullah replacing Rubel Hossain. Three singles from his first over. "I didn't mean to suggest the selection committee was self-consciously racist/discriminatory," says Scott W. "But the tact and delicacy with which certain egos in the England set-up are massaged contrasts sharply with the graceless and cruel way other personalities are cut down. I agree Shah has plenty to offer. But Bopara wasn't dropped - he was dumped. Defenestrated. And also destroyed. This after emerging as the pretty much the only bright spot in the last World Cup, and showing enough in ODIs to suggest he could – with sufficient management, the right kind of coaching – develop into the sort of stubborn allrounder Paul Collingwood embodies. I admit he was a shambles in the Ashes, but his dumping from the team could have been handled far better. Also, as a Yorkshireman, I find it impossible to talk about England's treatment of Adil Rashid without my voice trembling, if not outright sobbing. So it's a good job I'm typing this." I always thought the biggest mistake with Bopara was giving him his debut in Sri Lanka, which buggered Shah's Test career and set Bopara's back a few years. But there are so many wrong turns a young player can take – some their own fault, some to do with coaching, or management, or fate – that it's never just a case of talent willing out. It's an incredibly complex area, with little to go on except instinct, and often mistakes are only apparent with hindsight.
16th over: England 68-0 (Cook 32, Carberry 30) Dominic Cork is in the Sky commentary box. He was on TMS a couple of years ago and was very impressive. Cook whips a full-toss from Naeem through midwicket for four. That's all. England are cruising just now, even if Carberry is a little becalmed against the spinners. "Shakib is obviously a fine player who might, one day, be as good as Dan Vettori," says Gary Naylor. "But isn't the problem for Bangladesh that, after all this international cricket and coaching from top-line practitioners, that they have no other players of the standard of Ross Taylor, Brendon McCullum, Jacob Oram etc? Any team can be forgiven for not producing a Shane Bond, but there should really be a Bangladeshi Chris Martin by now. PS I'm off to Test Match Sofa to talk a bit during the middle session." Give them time. It's only been 10 years – Sri Lanka weren't much better after 10 years – and they are starting to produce a few very interesting players, most notably Shakib and Tamim Iqbal.
17th over: England 68-0 (Cook 32, Carberry 30) Carberry is dropped by this sadly iron-gloved wicketkeeper Mushfiqur Rahim. He pushed forward to a good delivery from Mahmudullah that turned enough to take the edge, but Mushfiqur's reaction were slow and he inadvertently punched it down in front of first slip. It was textbook off-spin bowling from Mahmudullah, really, and that's a bad miss.
18th over: England 72-0 (Cook 36, Carberry 30) Some short, wide filth from Naeem Islam gets the appropriate treatment, a spanking cut stroke for four. At one stage Cook has two to Carberry's 23, but he has really accelerated against the spinners. That said, he was turned round nicely by the final delivery, with the edge flying safely through the vacant gully area. There is plenty of turn in this pitch. Talking of which. "Ref: the treatment of Bopara & Shah, at least they were given a chance," says Sarah Ansell. "What exactly does James Tredwell have to do to be selected? Be the best bowler in the warm up match...oh!" It's a Kent conspiracy. I've never forgiven them for feeding Min Patel to the Indian batsmen in 1996. What sort of series is that to give a young spinner his debut in!
WICKET! England 72-1 (Carberry LBW b Mahmudullah 30) That had been coming. The ball after surviving a huge shout for LBW, Carberry missed a sweep at a ball that hit him just on the line of off stump and would have hit off and middle three-quarters of the way up. A 21st-century LBW decision, that, but definitely the correct one. So ends a mixed innings from Carberry, who started splendidly against the seamers but struggled badly when the slow bowlers came on.
19th over: England 74-1 (Cook 37, Trott 1) Here's Phil Podolsky. "Apropos (500) Days of Summer: not being one to enjoy rom-coms, my first reaction is best summarized in the words of the one time super obesse who ludicroudly supposes the bewitching Wonderfalls protagonist Jay has developed a morbid romantic obsession with his farcical self: 'Normally I'd find that creepy but, you know, she's not ugly.' On second thought - a thoroughly charming flick and no mistake." I know that Melanie Brown* and Poppy McNee, two of the OBOettes – think the Soccer AM girls without the misogyny – completely agree with you.
* Who turns 57 today, so happy birthday!!!!!!!
20th over: England 77-1 (Cook 38, Trott 3) Shakib Al Hasan comes on for Naeem Islam. He likes his bowling changes, doesn't he. He has a slip, gully and silly point for Trott, who edges to third man with soft hands for a couple. Not Andrex-soft hands, but definitely Sainsbury Revive Recycled Toilet Tissue-soft hands.
21st over: England 79-1 (Cook 39, Trott 4) All the focus on Kevin Pietersen has obscured what a vital series this is for Jonathan Trott. I thought some of the press he got after the South Africa series was on the harsh side, but he needs a score or two in this series if England aren't to consider going back to the drawing board yet again in the No3 position.
22nd over: England 83-1 (Cook 39, Trott 8) Trott, trying to work Shakib to leg, gets a leading edge that plops safely wide of silly point. Shakib clearly has the scent here, but Trott responds with a pleasant cover-drive for four. "I have given OBO a plug on my very new Twitter account so I can just sit back and watch the cricket, well as much as I can see anyway through the back of the head of the man from the Daily Star," says David Hopps. "Watch the messages flood in from my 70 followers!" On Twitter at your age*. Tut tut tut. It's only a small step to skinny jeans or Spandex trousers from there.
* I have no idea how old Hoppsy is and shouldn't really be calling any kettles black, no
23rd over: England 84-1 (Cook 40, Trott 8) Cook misses a big slog-sweep at Mahmudullah but there was only a strangled LBW shout: he was a long forward and it was bouncing over the top. As Dominic Cork says, Rod Tucker, the umpire at that end, has had a good morning on those LBWs. Trott then survives a precautionary referral to the third umpire after a quick single to midwicket.
24th over: England 85-1 (Cook 41, Trott 8) Shakib is really crowding Trott now: short leg, silly point, slip and gully. Trott defends solidly, though. I wonder if he ever gets bored of his own batting. "You and Twitter - that's a weird love/hate thing, isn't it?" says Phil Podolsky. "Must say though that of your 27 different accounts your original one is your best." (Warning to avoid me getting in trouble with The Man: that link contains some grown-up words.) I can't be bothered with Twitter. I deleted my account when somebody awarded me 'Shithead of the day' for something I'd written on an MBM. I'm just too darn sensitive and comfortable with my sexuality for such abuse.
25th over: England 91-1 (Cook 46, Trott 9) Cook, continuing the recent tradition of English batsmen being initially inspired by the captaincy (Vaughan excepted), paddles Mahmudullah very fine for four. He laps a little airily later in the over, but it's safe enough and he gets a single. "I'd love to go to sleep," says Dean Butler. "This job is the third circle of hell. Still this is the first time there's been cricket during the night and I feel a slightly nauseating sense of being less alone in the company of OBO. That's sad." Solidarity among losers. It'd almost be life-affirming if it wasn't so depressing.
26th over: England 94-1 (Cook 48, Trott 10) Trott's pulseless progress continues with a work to leg for a single off Shakib, who has figures of 6-0-18-0. Yes, I did only type those entirely underwhelming figures because I could think of nothing else to say. "This one's not bad either" says Phil Podolsky, who may or may not be spending the mezzanine hours setting up Twitter accounts in my name.
27th over: England 95-1 (Cook 48, Trott 11) A maiden from Mahmudullah to Cook. "Hoppsy is 50 and routinely irritated by the very fact," says David Hopps. "However, thanks to some Chittagong dietary issues, there is every chance of losing the signs of middle-aged spread by the end of the Test without a single gym session. As the last power cut sent me flying over the top of the treadmill this is probably a good thing." I wonder who the world's oldest Tweeter* is. Seriously, for at least four seconds then I was thinking of downing tools and going off on a mission to find out.
* Is that the correct word? I can think of an alternative.
28th over: England 101-1 (Cook 53, Trott 12) Cook cuts Shakib for four to bring up a coolly authoritative half-century, from 84 balls. Good stuff. "Going back to the Shah/Bopara issue, wasn't half of the problem the insistence of the selectors to bat them at No3 before they were ready?" says Tim Claremont. "I know that we don't have a 'natural' three in the current set up, but it's hardly the easiest place to find yourself early in your Test career. Sure, both of them had other issues too, but they'd have been less exposed if they'd had time to settle at Nos5 or 6 and could still be in the side if they'd been left there. If the standard is still set by Australia, then their practice of letting someone grow into the side lower down the order before moving to the pivotal role seems far more sensible than chucking them in at the deep end when still wet behind the ears. Let's just hope that Trott bucks the trend." I agree, and there's a concern that Trott won't buck the trend. England's problem is that they are unusually stocked with Nos 5-6, because of Paul Collingwood's technique, Ian Bell's mental fragility and Kevin Pietersen's reluctance to bat above No4 (and you suspect he would probably prefer to bat No5). It means that the man in the most important position is often the most inexperienced. I'd still like to try Cook in that role, if they find aROB KEYnother opener.
29th over: England 102-1 (Cook 54, Trott 12) Mahmudullah has gone around the wicket to Trott. Yes, that really is the best I can come up with.
30th over: England 104-1 (Cook 55, Trott 13) Abdur Razzak comes on, which means we've seen four spinners. Before lunch. On day one. After Bangladesh put the opposition is. Razzak bowled quite well in the ODIs but his Test record is hopeless – seven wickets at 80 apiece – and Trott defends easily and even treats himself to a run off the final delivery. What the hell, it's Friday. So that's lunch, and it was a very decent morning for England. Alastair Cook played nicely, while Michael Carberry looked a bit fragile against spin. I'm off to shove my sorry face under a shower in the hope it will wake me up. See you in 30 minutes.
LUNCH
Songs to sing in the shower in the early hours of a Friday morning, part one in a very short series.
31st over: England 109-1 (Cook 55, Trott 17) Shahadat Hossain, world cricket's premier grunting medium-pacer, starts after lunch. His over includes an off-side wide, and then Trott squirts a drive to third man for four to Shahadat's considerable chagrin. "Innocent," says Phil Podolsky of my 26th-over suggestion. "I understand your suspicion, but I'm a different type of geek – petty internet tomfoolery is one of the few things I consider below me." You consider things beneath you? Oh dear, you have much to learn about this life of unremitting sorrow which you claim to understand.
32nd over: England 111-1 (Cook 56, Trott 18) Abdur Razzak continues from the Pavilion End. The fields are more attacking for Trott, with a silly point that isn't in evidence for Cook, but he has looked pretty serene so far.
33rd over: England 114-1 (Cook 56, Trott 21) Trott whips Shahadat to fine leg for two. It's a kook-off, this: Shahadat's grunting against Trott's fastidious preparation for each delivery. England are extremely comfortable at the moment. "So," says Vince Marchi, "this exists." That is pretty much the best thing that has happened to anyone, ever. There goes my social life for 2010. [Insert your own joke here.]
34th over: England 117-1 (Cook 57, Trott 22) Two from Razzak's over. "Singing in the shower – that's pretty sad," announces professional champion David Mills. "As the OBOs are full of unashamed losers, maybe we should have a loser-off. For example, I genuinely felt a tear when I heard Suddenly by Angry Anderson in the last episode of Gavin & Stacey." Amateur hour. I shed a tear during American Pie and when Clive Gibbons left Neighbours, I know Martin McCague's Test figures (4-121, 0-58, 0-115, 2-96) off by heart, I can remember the BBC commentary for every goal of England's Italia 90 campaign, and I frequently repeat them in the shower. In this game of one-downmanship*, there can only be one winner.
* I nicked this phrase from Mac Millings. Nicking phrases from Mac Millings. And admitting it. Yep, I win.
35th over: England 125-1 (Cook 57, Trott 29) Trott again works Shahadat off the pads for a couple and then cover-drives a no-ball for four. Shahadat tries to liven things up by shaping to throw at the stumps when he fields Trott's defensive push. Trott walks away, not even bothering to tell him to talk to the hand, girlfriend. With England cruising, here's a football-related link for you. And when you put it all together, there's the model of an etc. "Nothing is beneath me," says Dean Butler. "As far as I can determine I have no principles and very few morals. You'd think people or organisations in the world would want to make use of these attributes or rather lack of them but I continue to wait for the flood of offers begging for my services."
36th over: England 133-1 (Cook 59, Trott 35) No silly point for Trott anymore, a reflection of England's control. Razzak continues to wheel away, but it's anodyne stuff – slow bowling rather than spin bowling, and it's the offspinners who have got the most out of this pitch so far. A few works to leg bring England eight runs from the over. "I have a plastic figuirine of Wolves legend Steve Bull ostentatiously displayed in my living room," says Dean Butler. "I also buy Star Wars figures for my two-year-old son so I can play with them and I own a limited edition Euro '96 Subbuteo set. I'm 35. Sad." I have a football figure of Gary Penrice. It wasn't even bought ironically. I honestly couldn't explain it. I don't display it, mind, ostentatiously or otherwise.
37th over: England 141-1 (Cook 67, Trott 35) Shahadat bangs the ball in, a particularly stupid tactic on this pudding of a pitch, and Cook clouts a disdainful pull for four. Later in the over Cook pushes a half-volley wide of mid-off for four more. "A great morning song," says Phil Podolsky. "A great sexploitation song, strictly speaking, but somehow also a great energizer." My answer is always the same: they are not mutually exclusive.
38th over: England 145-1 (Cook 69, Trott 37) The swing bowler Rubel Hossain (4-0-31-0) is coming back into the attack. He has just one slip and a gully for Trott, who takes a sharp single to mid-on. Cook then works a single off the pads. Trott then pushes one past point. This could be a long afternoon. "This is so boring i could eat my own face," says John Butler. "How long to the Ashes." Too long, baby.
39th over: England 147-1 (Cook 70, Trott 38) Cook misses a sweep, prompting a preposterously undignified appeal for LBW by Razzak. The ball hit Cook a long way outside off stump. Razzak has switched ends. In unrelated news, is anyone out there? Come on, someone must have some desperately loserish tendencies foibles they want to share. We're all friends here!
WICKET! England 149-2 (Trott c Mushfiqur Rahim b Rubel Hossain 39) Trott gets a stinker. Rubel got some real life out of the pitch with a good, straight bouncer and, as Trott shaped to pull, the ball looped off the helmet and high in the air for the wicketkeeper Mushfiqur to take a straightforward catch running back. It looked like the umpire Tony Hill wasn't going to give it, but in fact he was waiting for Trott – who had turned round to follow the ball – to face him. When he did Hill raised the finger, at which point Trott looked, in the parlance of our time, pretty radged off. Presumably Hill thought that Trott edged the ball onto his helmet, but he didn't. In fact, Sky's technology shows there was a decent gap between bat and ball. Fire up Bob Willis, I want to hear his views on that.
40th over: England 149-2 (Cook 71, Pietersen 0) "So are you willing to stick your neck out and make a prediction about what KP is going to come up with today?" says Dave Mooney. "The obvious choices are more abject failure (bowled for 5) or a Gerrardesque V-sign to his critics (200 not out). But I'm going to guess that he'll get a not-great-but-not-terrible total of 45 or so and then get himself out in some highly ridiculous way like tripping over the stumps or hitting the ball twice." LBW b SLA 21.
41st over: England 155-2 (Cook 72, Pietersen 5) Pietersen is greeted by left-arm spin in the shape of Razzak. There's a silly point and a slip, and Pietersen gets off the mark by stroking one inside-out past mid-off for a gorgeous boundary. "I really enjoy eating vinegar sandwiches," says Don Wilson. "Does that count?" No, that's just weird, and that's not a compliment.
42nd over: England 159-2 (Cook 72, Pietersen 9) Bangladesh have surely missed a trick by leaving Rubel Hossain on at Pietersen. Sometimes the plan is so obvious for a reason: in the absence of someone who can bowl fast, full and straight like Jerome Taylor or Dale Steyn, I would have left-arm spin at both ends early on for Pietersen. They might have to now: Rubel is down in a lot of pain after being hit flush on the knee by a throw from mid-on. Oof! He was looking the other way. He never, ever saw it coming at all. He manages to finish the over after an impromptu drinks break, but only after Pietersen has clouted a pull for four more.
43rd over: England 164-2 (Cook 73, Pietersen 13) Dominic Cork makes the decent observation that Pietersen seems to be keeping his left leg as far out of the way as possible against the left-arm spin. In that over, he rocks back to force a short delivery from Razzak very nicely through the covers for four. The early signs are good. "Ever gone to a frightfully posh French fancy dress party as Snow White, purely so you can take your Beefy and Boony dolls – ahem, figurines – as the dwarf contingency?" asks Poppy McNee. "I win at the game of losers. Oh."
44th over: England 166-2 (Cook 74, Pietersen 14) Rubel Hossain continues, a tactic I can't really fathom. He has tried the odd full, straight delivery, but he's 10mph down on the likes of Taylor and Steyn and that makes a huge difference. "One good thing about playing Tests without referrals is that it makes you realise what a good thing they are," says Peter Norton. "I am most definitely not pining for the Ashes. Too much hype about that. The real problem of the last couple of decades is the decline of the Windies and Pakistan which has meant that the number of good tight series has declined. The problem with playing a team like Bangladesh is that everyone wants them to win and make a breakthrough but not against my team please." I think Test cricket is in pretty decent health. If we could get rid of the occasional "chief executive's pitch", to use Steve Harmison's splendid phrase, we'd see off that evil wench Twenty20 in no time.
45th over: England 175-2 (Cook 80, Pietersen 17) A superb stroke from Cook, who takes a half-step down the track to Razzak and waves him wide of mid-on for four. The placement was lovely there. "No," announces Phil Podolsky. "I win at the game of losers: this is my YT channel." You called it YT; that means you're at least hip enough for the previous decade. Some of us are still mired in the Eighties. All together now: every loser wins, once the dream begins. (What sort of message is that to send, by the way? Oh yeah, your life will be great when your asleep, but otherwise you've had it.)
46th over: England 177-2 (Cook 81, Pietersen 17) Shakib brings himself on, so now we do have left-arm spin at both ends. But England's serene march to victory by an innings and 700 runs continues. Pietersen has had no problems with the spinners as yet. He's playing it pretty straight in more ways than one. "Er hang on - Michael Carberry was opening?" says Rachel Clifton. "What the hell?" Opener-in-opening-the-innings shocker. Is that a surprise? I thought everyone knew they were going to play six batsmen?
47th over: England 186-2 (Cook 85, Pietersen 22) Pietersen sweeps the harmless Razzak very fine for four. "I need to know (yes, it's that important) if any fellow Battrickers are currently following this OBO," demands Ian Renwick.
48th over: England 188-2 (Cook 86, Pietersen 23) "It's coming Shakib, it's coming now lads" sledges Mushfiqur as Pietersen plays defensively. The only thing that's coming is a return to form for Pietersen; he looks very good indeed here. "I'm horribly, horribly hungover," says Alex Netherton. "Yeah? !?!!" Netherton once showed real promise as one of life's potential losers, but last night was his engagement party. So a) congratulations and b) immediate disqualification.
49th over: England 192-2 (Cook 89, Pietersen 24) Mahmudullah replaces Razzak. England really are cruising though. "Greetings from Dubai," says Paul King, executive producer of the Sky team who deservedly won best TV show for their Test-match coverage at this week's Sports Journalism Awards. (It was great to see Booth getting overdue recognition as well, although I wouldn't click on that huge byline pic at this hour.) "Not on telly here so following the action with you overlooking the inevitable building site. Sadly have to leave for airport shortly. BPIHW is a particular Fall favourite so nice to see that driven down the ground 'early doors'. Not much re 'shoutalong paens to cricketing glory' coming in although back-in-vogue Pavement's Carrot Rope is allegedly about cricket. Or at least contains cricket references." Didn't indie metrosexuals Lowgold release an album called Just Backward of Square in 2001? I can't even remember.
50th over: England 197-2 (Cook 92, Pietersen 26) Cook forces Shakib through the covers for two to move into the nerveless nineties. He will surely became the fifth Englishman to make a century in their first innings as Test captain: the others are Archie MacLaren, Allan Lamb, Andrew Strauss and Kevin Pietersen. Four As and a K. What would Cypress Hill make of that? "In response to Ian Renwick's vital query (47th over), yup fellow battricker here," says Chris Seymour. "I play as HeavySmoker and run a West Indian team called Wheezing Death. Well, it was the best I could come up with at the time."
51st over: England 199-2 (Cook 94, Pietersen 26) Cook eases Mahmudullah through midwicket for a couple. "I sing 'The Turkey Song' by The Damned to my 22-month-old baby, gave shares in Norwich City to my eight-year-old daughter and love toasted spam and cheese sandwiches as a breakfast option," says Phil Withall. "Sad enough?" I'd love to have seen your daughter's face as she opened her birthday present, expecting all manner of High School Musical things and instead finding shares in Norwich City. Then again, every time I move I start watching my DVDs from scratch and split them between those I've watched and those I haven't, so I don't know who I'm calling a loser.
52nd over: England 207-2 (Cook 94, Pietersen 34)
Pietersen laps Shakib from well wide of off stump for four. He top-edged it but it was perfectly safe and drifted down to deep backward square. Later in the over he makes room to drive inside-out through Rubel Hossain at mid-off for four more. This technical change is working very well so far. "You really have a superb bunch of readers for this pre-am ramble through the neurosis-laiden groves of cricket addicts," says Geoff Roberts. "Some of these links really do awaken my professional interest."
53rd over: England 215-2 (Cook 102, Pietersen 34) Cook reaches his century in the grand manner, swiping Mahmudullah handsomely over deep midwicket for six, his second of the innings. He scored a century in his first Test against India, Pakistan and West Indies, and now he has added Bangladesh to the list. He swishes his bat in delight and gets a huge hug from Pietersen. That's a very fine performance in his first match as captain. "I should have left for work 15 minutes ago," says Niall Taylor. "I am stood standing in the kitchen with hat and coat on waiting for Cook to get his hundred. Surely such basic activities of an OBOer are, by a normal person's standards, pitifully lame?" I don't know, I think it's normal to be stood standing.
54th over: England 217-2 (Cook 103, Pietersen 35) "Morning Rob, morning everybody," says Josh Robinson. "From Berlin, where it at least has the semblance of being a reasonable time to be awake, and where it's perfect lying-in-bed-all-day-weather. I know Bopara looked shot by the end of the fourth Ashes test, but would someone like to remind me just how many
stinkers he was on the wrong end of in that series? Leaving him out of the final Test made sense, but then not keeping him in the squad for the last two tours seems callous. Meanwhile, if 'carefully managing' Rashid involves taking him to South Africa as a specialist drinks-carrier and then not bringing him on a tour where he's more likely to do well, I wonder what the selectors are supposed to have learned from the experiences of Salisbury and Schofield." Well I just think it has made them even more cautious than they already would be with a discipline that the English intrinsically don't understand. Twice bitten, thrice shy and all that.
55th over: England 225-2 (Cook 109, Pietersen 37) That's another lovely stroke from Cook, who gives himself a bit of room and feathers Mahmudullah wide of mid-off for four. The highest of Cook's 11 Test centuries is 160; if he doesn't get a Daddy here, he never will. "It does have to be said she had a dazed and bewildered look on her face at the time," says Phil Withall of his 51st-over confession. "An ideal reaction with the curse of Norwich supporting thrust upon her. To be honest a small slice of Norwich's debts may not be as rewarding as two hours of Zac Efron but will stand her in better stead for life's disapointments."
56th over: England 228-2 (Cook 110, Pietersen 39) Three from Shakib's over. Just ten minutes to tea now. Given that 38 of the 56 overs have been bowled by spinners, the over-rate isn't great.
57th over: England 230-2 (Cook 110, Pietersen 41) Short leg has gone now for both batsmen, so Shakib Al Hasan has just a slip for each bowler and a head full of regrets at his decision to bowl first. Pietersen forces Mahmudallah behind point to move into the forties.
58th over: England 237-2 (Cook 112, Pietersen 46) Yet another inside-out drive from Pietersen, this time through extra cover for four off the increasingly expensive Shakib. It was in the air but completely under control and bisected the men at mid-off and cover perfectly.
59th over: England 243-2 (Cook 113, Pietersen 51) Pietersen reaches a much-needed fifty, only his third in the last nine Tests, thanks to a desperate misfield from Razzak from mid-off, who spills a drive to the boundary. He has played encouragingly and can get as many runs as he wants here, really. Anyway, that's tea. England are in complete control of this match, having scored 139 runs in that season for the unfortunate loss of Jonathan Trott. See you in 15 minutes.
TEA
60th over: England 251-2 (Cook 118, Pietersen 53) Right, time for the evening session. England should be looking at a score of around 380 for two at the close. Rubel Hossain (8-0-44-1) starts after the break. Pietersen plays around his pad, prompting a biggish LBW appeal, but he got an inside-edge and it was possibly going down leg. That aside, he was plumb. Cook then squirts a wide yorker to third man for four. In the Sky box, Bumble and Mike Atherton are talking about some of the great howlers at the toss – today, Nasser at Brisbane, Ponting at Edgbaston, Azha at Lord's in 1990 and so on. Funny captains are scarcely ever savaged for batting first, even if their team are bowled out for next to nothing. There was a good piece on this by the excellent Rahul Bhattacharya in Wisden. 2006 maybe, I forget. "After another look at the scoreboard I'd like to congratulate your readers for their courage in revealing their own shortcomings at eight in the morning," says Geoff Roberts. "It looks as if a good England innings unlocks the need to confess. How could this be used by the NHS?"
61st over: England 253-2 (Cook 119, Pietersen 54) Shakib Al Hasan starts at the other end, but Bangladesh's body language is desperate, as it has been for much fo the day. They assumed the position after about 10 overs. There are some England batting averages crying out to be massaged over the next three sessions. "I still find this whole ICC Referral system a joke," says Steve Pye, laughing heartily to demonstrate the point. "Here we have a series without referrals, whereas in other countries we have it, albeit some broadcasters don't have the hotspot technology. It is a farce. If this test match was being played in England there is every chance that Trott would have gone on to make a century, so things aren't being contested on a level playing field. Could I also plug a charity golf event that I'm taking part in? As part of the Macmillan Longest Golf Challenge, myself and three friends are playing a course in Wales, England and Scotland all on June 21. Any donations are welcome."
62nd over: England 260-2 (Cook 120, Pietersen 59) Pietersen leans on a leg-stump half-volley from Rubel Hossain and sends it spinning through midwicket for four. It was a no-ball as well. "You want loser?" says Neil Stork-Brett. "I'll give you loser. For a few months early last year I dated a blonde, pneumatically-assisted equestrian rider who was also a part-time swimsuit model and 'grid girl'. And I broke up with her as she was superficial and not very bright. I.Broke.Up.With.Her."
63rd over: England 260-2 (Cook 120, Pietersen 59) Pietersen plays out a maiden from Shakib. He has been economical and businesslike in this innings. I agree with Rob Key and Nick Knight in the Sky studio, who said they think that, because of his recent struggles, there will be no frills or risky shots in this innings. He will just go on and on and on and on. "57???" sniffs birthday girl Melanie Brown. I jest of course. She's thirt- she's in her thirties.
64th over: England 267-2 (Cook 121, Pietersen 64) A regal shot from Pietersen, who stands tall and blasts Rubel Hossain straight down the ground for four before holding the pose at the end of his follow through, his horizontal bat pointing down the ground like an exaggerated duck's beak. That was lovely. This has been a noticeably humble innings but there was a hint of the old swagger there. "There is no shame in dumping a smoking hotty," says Matt Turland. "However, when you get dumped by a beast for talking about 'smart nonsense', that's when you need to start asking questions. Not that that has ever happened to me. I'm a winner."
65th over: England 268-2 (Cook 121, Pietersen 65) "How about this?" says Josh Robinson. "I still treasure my only cricket-related autograph, that of Simon Hughes, collected after a Sunday League game between Durham and Leicestershire in the early Nineties, after being snubbed by Ian Botham and Dean Jones, aged 11. It added to the pangs of joy I felt as I heard Hughes' mellifluous tones on TMS. I'm a loser."
66th over: England 274-2 (Cook 121, Pietersen 70) Pietersen evades a sharp bouncer from Rubel Hossain and then slaps a no-ball for four. Oh my dear lord, Sky have cut to a video of Bumble singing with some locals. Think this, only even more jauntily sinister. "Morning, Robert," says Darren Ford. "Darren Ford from Q-list indie hasn't-beens, Lowgold, here. I really can't take issue with you struggling to remember the details of our nano-career (49th over), though miraculously guessing correctly the full and complete name of our debut album along with its year of release was a sterling effort. What I will object to, however, is the quasi-slanderous 'metrosexual' classification. I'm so incensed I can hardly bring myself to moisturise. Apologies for the tardy nature of my retort, by the way; my yoga lesson over-ran and I didn't receive the text message alerting me to your reference till after my third bowl of organic muesli (soya milk,
naturally). I hug men." I don't know where to start. Hugging men, probably, but we'll leave that for now. Just Backward of Square was a very good album, especially Beauty Dies Young, which I liked to imagine was written in reference to Martin McCague's Test career. Tragically, not only do I remember the album but I remember when and where I bought it: Virgin in Bromley South, on a Tuesday, in about March 2001. Take my life, please.
67th over: England 274-2 (Cook 121, Pietersen 70) Shakib continues to bowl the ball right onto the middle of Pietersen's bat. Pietersen has really monopolised the strike since tea, but plays out a maiden there so that Cook can have a hit. "New Zealand's bowling in the Hadlee era was described as 'like the World XI from one end and Ilford Seconds from the other'," says Gary Naylor. "Bangladesh's is like Ilford Seconds from both ends."
68th over: England 279-2 (Cook 122, Pietersen 74) The strangely underbowled offspinner Naeem Islam, just four overs so far, replaces Rubel Hossain (12-0-72-1). Cook sweeps for a single and then Pietersen thrashes a cover-drive right through Aftab Ahmed and away for four. Bangladesh's fielding has been desperately poor today; I reckon five or six boundaries have gone straight through fielders. "Do I out-loser Mr Stork-Brett (over 61) if I say his message, rather than get me thinking about bums and boobies and that, reminded me rather of the 'pneumatically assisted' Lego products of my yoof?" asks Ian Helm. "Apparently, they're still going." You can still find 'em.
69th over: England 284-2 (Cook 123, Pietersen 78) Pietersen dumps Shakib back over his head for four. Contempt. "A big shout out to my dad who shares Melanie Brown's birthday and turns 76 today," says Jonathan Wood. "Not that he'll be reading this. He has a life. Not like his son."
70th over: England 288-2 (Cook 126, Pietersen 79) Test batting doesn't get any easier than this. Bangladesh have been so disappointing. They've thrown the towel in already. "I'm 31!" says Melanie Brown. "'In her thirties' could be as high as 39. You've ruined birthday Friday." I would say 'there's always next year' but you never know at your age.
71st over: England 304-2 (Cook 127, Pietersen 94) Pietersen drives Shakib lazily over long on for six, the 50th of his Test career, and then swishes two more boundaries to long on. Sixteen from the over. "Another Battricker here," says Chris Duncan. "Team is called Airlock and I think I have become far too attached to my imaginary players. I spent 20 minutes considering whether I should drop my imaginary spinner for today's imaginary one-day match. The imaginary pitch was flat so I did indeed drop him...."
72nd over: England 305-2 (Cook 128, Pietersen 94) "The first thing I did this morning when the alarm went off wasn't to put on TMS, but to access OBO," apologises Guy Hornsby. "Now, many unbelievers would see this as the last vestiges of sanity, eschewing the media of television (me? Sky? pah) or radio for text, but I know where my loyalties lie. Much as I love Bumble, he's no Gary Naylor. So while, to the majority of the outside world, I may be a loser, I know we're all winners here. The sound of rousing music is fading in as I type..."
73rd over: England 309-2 (Cook 132, Pietersen 94) Shakib keeps himself in the attack, which is a pretty brave move given the treatment he took from Pietersen in the last over. This time it's Cook on strike, and he crashes a short delivery through the covers for four. This is far too easy for England. "PLEEEAAASE can I have an OBO birthday shout out too?" says Paula Finn, aged 74. Ish. "I am a regular OBO reader and contributer, blah blah blah. Not sharing my age, but I'm older than Melanie Brown, but younger than Jonathan Brown's dad!"
74th over: England 313-2 (Cook 133, Pietersen 97) Razzak has replaced Naeem Islam, but Pietersen, within one hit of his first century since April, resists the temptation to over the top. "Seeing as it's Birthday Friday," says Robert Hoare, "I'd like to give a big shout out to Jessica Fletcher, who may or may not be 80 today."
75th over: England 317-2 (Cook 136, Pietersen 98) Naeem Islam (7-0-25-0) has switched ends as we enter the final hour. Cook whips his first ball to deep midwicket for three. He has to make it a Daddy here. Pietersen, on 97, is not tempted by the sight of mid off being brought up and instead works a single to long on for a single off the final delivery. "Another Battricker here," says Joshua Green with an endearing if entirely misplaced pride. "I even went so far as to issue an imaginary press release urging my imaginary star batsman to take his imaginary form from a midweek hundred in the three-day game into the imaginary 50-over contest on a Friday recently. The result? A big hundred, you do the math. Also, why no mention of the fact that Sehwag has joined Northants and that Surrey are still lacking a quality second overseas player for the Twenty20?" Right, that's enough Battricking. There must be something even sadder one of you can talk about.
WICKET! England 319-3 (Pietersen b Razzak 99) He's gone for 99! Pietersen falls to a left-arm spinner in the nineties for the third time in 18 months. It was a pretty good delivery that pitched on off and middle and turned enough to hit the top of off, but Pietersen got himself in a real tangle for no particular reason, squaring himself up and trying to fiddle the delivery to third man. That's such a shame because he played extremely well. Still, he'd have taken 99 at the start, and other popular cliches.
76th over: England 319-3 (Cook 137, Collingwood 0) "I win the hapless loser challenge, hands down," says Ben Heywood. "Back in September last year during the 3rd ODI against the Aussies, I wrote in asking for the best way to get the sack from a job I hated (I seem to recall that spacehoppers were involved). Later that evening during the England/Croatia football match I received a text – yes, a text – telling me I was fired with immediate effect. Coincidence? I think not. 'Twas the OBO wot done it." Ah but that's only one incident. A real loser delivers 24/7, never resting on his or her laurels or even doing anything that might allow him or her to be mistaken for a normal human being.
77th over: England 321-3 (Cook 138, Collingwood 1) After those infamous dismissals to Harris and Benn in the nineties, Pietersen was so determined to show that he could be responsible that he probably went too far the other way. "Can I also have a birthday shout, please - I turn 31 tomorrow," says Paul Wakefield. "Cakes are in the kitchen, if that sweetens the deal (or does that make this sound a bit too much like TMS)?" I don't know. I'm just to find the balance between biting my lip hard enough to stay awake but not biting it so hard that I shred it. Anyway, that's enough birthday wishes for today, unless it's Martin McCague's birthday. It isn't.
78th over: England 323-3 (Cook 139, Collingwood 2)
"My girlfriend said last night she thought Pietersen would get 100," says Sam Blackledge. "I told her not to be silly, he's in awful form and probably shouldn't even be on the tour. Who's right?" Phil Brown. Always.
79th over: England 323-3 (Cook 139, Collingwood 2) After that little burst of excitement, the game has calmed down again. A maiden from Naeem Islam to Cook. "I've installed an Amiga emulator on my PC so I can play old games," announces Paul Whaley with an entirely warranted pride. "Admittedly, I could play most of them on the PC, but Cannon Fodder is not the same without constantly swapping imaginary 3.5" disks in imaginary 3.5" disk drives and sitting through entirely simulated loading times. That's when games were games: emphasis on playability. And apparently spending most of your time just waiting to play." Is it wrong to secretly miss that ZX Spectrum loading sound? Actually, having just clicked that, yes it bloody is. That's nostalgia gone mad.
80th over: England 327-3 (Cook 139, Collingwood 6) Collingwood gives Razzak the charge and drills him back over his head for four authoritative runs. If he gets through the second new ball he'll get a ton here, Collingwood. "I'm now depressed by my fellow Battrickers' disdainful attempts at sad-dom," says Ian Renwick. "Surely investing 20,000 imaginary pounds every week into an imaginary youth academy for the vain imaginary hope of pulling one imaginarily brilliant youth player from said academy just once in an imaginary season is WAY sadder?"
81st over: England 334-3 (Cook 145, Collingwood 7) No second new ball yet, so Cook pulls the offspinner for four more. His highest Test score is 160, and he's nearly there now. "I love Collingwood, Rob, I really do," says Keith Newman. "But since we don't really need a scrappy, defiant, life-saving, 44 from 296 balls, will he know what to do in this situation?" Collingwood, as he showed with that shot in the previous over, can be a decent enforcer on flat pitches against poor attacks. His chameleonic nature is one of his premier virtues, and he's been in great nick all winter. I think he'll score well, and quickly. Collingwood b Razzak 7 it is, then.
82nd over: England 336-3 (Cook 146, Collingwood 8) Collingwood charges Razzak again, this time driving a single to mid off. "Morning Rob," says Neill Brown. "As Melanie Brown's absentee brother, I'd like to convey my birthday congratulations to the person whose day belongs to them: Happy Birthday Paul Wakefield, complete stranger. On an unrelated note, during the drinks break, google searh The Onion and the advert for Danish tourism [can't find it at the moment because I'm on my seco...third Woodford Reserve on the rocks]."
83rd over: England 339-3 (Cook 147, Collingwood 9) The grunting eejit Shahadat Hossain returns, armed with a new ball. His first ball is a dismal off-side wide; it's also the most notable of the over. England will probably just bat for the close now, putting away any bad balls but not forcing the issue by going after good deliveries. "I performed bass guitar and embarrassing surname duties for Lowgold," says Miles Willey. "Born and bred Bromley (north) as I am I'm not sure what put a bigger smile on my face this morning – the public admission that the office-workshy sports journalist of choice was even aware of our band, or the fact that I share a geographical bond with said gent. Rejoice, Men of Kent. 'The fifth and final Test' is the working title for the big comeback record."
84th over: England 343-3 (Cook 151, Collingwood 9) Razzak continues, even though Bangladesh have taken the new ball. His first delivery with the new ball draws a genuine edge from Cook, who was aiming to leg, but the ball flies past slip and away for four to bring up Cook's 150. That's one of the few false strokes he has played during an excellent innings: 222 balls, 14 fours and – believe it or not â
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5:07
